this is the running diary of a totally fappable mooshoo.
This morning started off like most weekday mornings. Alarm goes off at 4:50, I lay there trying to decide whether I need to shower or spend that time laying in bed browsing Reddit. Reddit wins. I get up, brush my teeth and all that jazz and then leave at around 5:30.
I take the long route to work since I’ve got to stop by the post office and the gas station. The best thing about driving to work this early is that the entire city feels like a ghost town. There’s no cars, there’s no traffic, there’s no people. So I get to the post office and drop my rent check into the bin and then I head across the street to the Marathon to grab a water and a Gatorade. I run in there and all of that goes as planned. They were out of blue but settling for orange isn’t the end of the world.
I walk out of the gas station and head to my car and that’s when my morning takes a turn. I hear this noise coming from across the parking lot. It’s like a crying zombie. I look over and I see this figure in the dark approaching me. Its making those sounds. This is the part where your brain is like “umm nope” and your instinct is to get in your car and speed away. Instead I stood there frozen. This individual finally steps into the light. It’s a woman. She’s limping really badly, she’s covered in blood and she’s not wearing any clothing with the exception of one sock. She’s crying and trying to tell me something but she’s so distraught that I can’t make out what she’s saying.
I asked her if she was okay. What a fucking stupid thing to ask. Yeah Joshua, she’s walking around naked, crying and bloody at 5:30 AM, just another morning. NBD. God, so stupid. Anyway, I snap out of it and go over to her. Put my arm around her and help her to the front of the gas station. I run in and tell the attendant to call 911. Go back outside and have zero idea what to do. There’s a t-shirt in my backseat. It’s covered in husky hair but I grab it and help her put it on. I grab the water I just bought and convince her to drink some. She’s in shock and just saying things but I still can’t put it together. Something about her stuff and that she just wants her phone back. I sat there trying to calm her down until help arrived.
That’s when I got in my car, drove to work and realized I couldn’t complain about a single thing in my life. Weird morning.
Last night I went on my first date with this beautiful woman. Here’s what the date included…
- Grilled cheese
- More beers
- Air Hockey
- More beers
- Tekken 6
Not quite your traditional dinner and movie, huh? Yet at the end of the evening, we both agreed that it was the best first date that either of us had ever been on.
The lessons I learned: Don’t ever be anyone but yourself. Also, don’t play Tekken against someone that insists on being Alisa. That bitch is too overpowered.