Look, if you fancy my blog enough to follow it, great. If you fancy it enough to add me on Facebook, Google+ or Twitter, hey, that’s cool, too. I just have one request for you if you do this: Please don’t be creepy. I scare easily.

Here are some examples of things to NOT do:

#1.) If you add me on Facebook, please do not send me messages asking me to reblog your dinner invite to Emma Watson. Sir who sent that, I did look at it expecting it to be witty or clever. It was neither. In fact, it was very creepy. It was one of the most borderline stalkerish things that you could have possibly done, which is pretty bad given the extremes that I’ve gone to for Kristen Bell. (I totally forced myself to watch When In Rome)

So…yeah, don’t do that, if you add me.

#2.) Want to add me on Xbox Live? Go for it. I don’t play Call of Duty and I’ve not got Gears 3 yet, but if you want to add me, do it. If you do, you can add a nice little message introducing yourself or something like that.

Please don’t have me sign on to Xbox Live and see something like this…

Mr. TechnoOnyx, joking about having cancer isn’t cool. If you’re not joking, then that sucks and I’m sorry to hear that. Had you just sent a friend request or one small message, odds are that I would have approved without hesitating. But when I log in to play the Battlefield Beta or watch a few episodes of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: Dino Fury on Netflix and see that I have 5-10 messages, all of them from you, all of them being as insane as my redneck younger brother, the thought of adding you becomes less appealing. I must say, though, you do have the best Xbox Live Message grammar that I’ve ever seen.

But that’s my only request, people. You follow me on here or anywhere else, just don’t be weird and creepy.

Four hours from now, I’ll be a free agent. I’ll be a man that is not contractually obligated to be with any certain phone carrier, namely T-Mobile. Tonight at midnight, I’m officially free, and I couldn’t be any happier.

Four years ago, I got a girlfriend that lived in Lexington. Since I didn’t see her a lot, we made up for it by talking on the phone constantly. In a panic, I signed a contract with T-Mobile since they had their Fave 5 plan that allowed you to talk as much as you wanted to five people. I was disgruntled almost immediately. No signal, dropped calls, dead zones…all too frequent with T-Mobile. I swore that in two years, when my contract ended, I would switch carriers.

22 months later, super excited that my contract was about to end, T-Mobile was like “Hey, Joshua, you see this awesome Blackberry Curve 8900? Only awesome people have Blackberry’s…would you like a Blackberry Curve?” Of course I said “yes.” They said “Fine, just sign this new two year contract and it’s yours.”

Immediately regretted that decision.

Again, poor service, dropped calls, dead zones, and now I had two new problems: Blackberry’s lousy trackball and RIM’s awful OS.

Two years have passed since that day. T-Mobile recently tried their Jedi mind tricks again. “Hey, Joshua, check out this sweet 4G HTC Sensation…you like? You want?” I was able to resist this time. No, T-Mobile. Not this time.

So I know that you are all on the edge of your seat. What ever shall I do? Well, I have made one decision…

“Well, this Fall, man, this has been really tough. This Fall I’m going to take my talents to…not T-Mobile.”

That’s right. T-Mobile, we’re done. We’re divorced. You’re Demi Moore, I’m Ashton Kutcher. You’re the Cleveland Cavaliers, I’m Lebron James. You’re Elin, I’m Tiger Woods. You’re Jennifer Aniston, I’m all those dudes that have left Jennifer Aniston. We’re through.

The iPhone 5 will be unveiled (and likely released) next week for AT&T, Verizon and Sprint. I’m going to walk into their kiosk offices and make their reps woo me.

I wonder if this is the feeling that Cincinnati Bengals players get when they’re at the end of their contracts, too.

So there’s this movie that I’ve been wanting to watch for a long time now called Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. If you’ve not heard of it, check out this trailer…

…pretty awesome, right? Well, like I said, I’ve been wanting to see this movie for over a year now. This morning, I learned that Tucker and Dale vs. Evil is now available on VOD services such as Xbox Live’s Zune Marketplace.

Awesome news. I’ll just hop onto Xbox Live and rent it.

Okay, so it costs 1200 Microsoft points to rent the movie for 24 hours. Wait. What is 1200 Microsoft points? I only have 200 in my account, so I obviously need to buy more. *Clicks Add Microsoft Points*

Okay, here we go. So I have 200 points now, and in order to get to the 1200 I need to rent the movie, I’m going to need to buy….$20 worth? Fuck that. I really want to see this movie, but I’m not paying $15-20 bucks to rent a movie. Hell, I could buy the movie for that amount.

So, obviously, the only logical step to take was this…

Sorry, producers and team behind Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. I tried. I really did. I tried my best to be legit. I don’t know who’s to blame for things like this, whether it be Hollywood Studios or Microsoft, but someone is very out of touch.

Raccoon Update!!

So this morning I accidentally caught a little raccoon in the trap that we set for the Precious sized possum that’s been terrorizing me. Due to me having never been around a raccoon before, I went on to work and informed the landlord that we caught a raccoon. “Well,” he said. “I’ll go ahead and call animal control and take care of it this afternoon.”

I couldn’t help myself. “What will animal control do with it? Just take it somewhere and release it?” I asked. “No. They’ll go ahead and euthanize it,” he said.

UMM…WUT?!?!

That’s not what they do on Billy the Exterminator.

After the call, I felt bad. That poor little raccoon trapped inside a steel cage, getting soaked by the rain, and now he was going to be put down for simply liking tuna a bit too much to see that it was a trap. I couldn’t let that happen.

So on my lunch break, I raced home so that I could release the raccoon before the landlord and animal control murderer got there. When I arrived, the poor little raccoon was still there. Still scared. However, like I mentioned above, I’ve never been around a raccoon before. I didn’t know that they turn into the goddamn Tazmanian Devil whenever it feels threatened. As soon as I got near the cage, the little raccoon acted like he wanted to eat my face. There were several times that I screamed “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU!” as if he could understand me. After a few minutes, I finally got the balls to reach down and open the door. The lil raccoon ran out of there as fast as he could. Day saved.

As I walked back to my car to go back to work, the landlord shows up. My response to him was simply this…

I’m hungry. Let’s go see what I have to cook for dinner…

Oh no. Peanut butter and Beefaroni? This will not suffice. Time to go to the store. But what should I make? Oh, I know! CHILI CHEESY TOTS!

When it comes to cooking food, I have one rule: Never make something that takes longer to cook than it does to eat. Since I can’t cook, this works out pretty well for me. But the one dish that I’ll spend time properly preparing is my infamous chili cheesy tots. 

But first we’ll have to go to the store.

The first things that we’re going to need is a bag of tater tots.

Next you’re going to need some shredded cheese and hot sauce.

Finally you’ll need to pick up some chili sauce. It’s important that you go with either Skyline or Dixie Chili for this dish. Stay away from the Gold Star sauce. It tastes like doggie diarrhea. 

Now it’s time to go home.

I don’t think I need to go into detail about how to cook tater tots or warm up chili sauce. Fact is, I don’t know the science. My cooking instructions on Cincinnati Chili: “Turn it on high until it starts to smoke ‘n shit.” My cooking instructions on tater tots: “Keep them in there ‘till they ain’t soggy ‘n shit.”

I obviously need my own cooking show.

After you’re done preparing the chili and tots, throw them all onto a plate and cover it in hot sauce and cheese. When you think you’ve got enough hot sauce, put some more on it.

Your final result should look something like this. Proceed to eat it and hate life for the next 40 minutes.

I was sitting in the cafeteria at the airport at about 3 o’clock this morning. I was knocking back my third 5-Hour Energy of the night and eating a Cliff Bar when, from the corner of my eye, I catch this creepy looking old man approach the table that I was sitting at. “Please don’t sit by me, please don’t sit by me,” I silently said to myself. There were plenty of empty seats around me, yet he tossed his bag of Fritos on the table and took a seat right next to me. Awkward.

The man looked like a white modern day Tommy Chong. He’s in his late-60’s, early-70’s…wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a denim button up, and an epic beard that would put Kimbo Slice to shame. He sits next to me and begins to roll up the sleeves of his shirt. As he’s doing this, I can’t help but to notice that his arms are covered in tattoo’s. There’s a skull with a snake coming out of it; there’s a cross with a rebel flag draped over it; there’s a spiderweb with a naked woman strapped to it, and others that I couldn’t identify because of his old wrinkly skin.

I tried to ignore him. I tried to pretend that I was playing on my cell phone, but then again, I have T-Mobile so he probably noticed the constant ‘No Cell Coverage’ errors that I was getting. He begins to talk to me. He’s got this deep, raspy voice. Almost like Sam Elliott’s in, well, every movie that Sam Elliott has ever been in.

The more that this guy says, the more ashamed of my life I become. During our 15-20 minute chat, here’s what I learned about Johnny Wallace…

• He lives in a cabin up in the mountains of Tennessee.
• He kills bears for the state.
• He’s been married six times.
• When I asked if he has any kids, he says “I think I’ve got 6 or 7 of them…not sure”
• His last wife left him because he wouldn’t get rid of an old Jeep that he had sitting in the driveway that hadn’t ran in over 15 years. “It’s either me or that Jeep,” she said. He chose the Jeep.
• He’s collected Harley Davidson motorcycles since he was 14.
• He served in Vietnam.
• He used to work security for country music legend Waylon Jennings for 20 years.
• In Vietnam, he and the guys in his platoon would play baseball using pieces of C4 for the ball. (WTF?!?!)

He was one of the most interesting people that I have ever met. He was like the Dos Equis Guy but even cooler. It got me thinking about what bragging rights or stories I could share with people one day.

• When I was 15, I once spent a whole day seeing how many times I could physically masturbate. (16)
• Joanna O’neal
• I got t-boned by a dump truck and lived.
• I once thought I got a hernia, but it ended up being a swollen sperm vessel.
• I’ve beaten Mass Effect 2 four times.
• I had to tear the skin off my penis to get my underwear off once.
• I’ve got over 10,000 followers on Tumblr

…That’s about all I’ve got. How depressing is that? Also, four of those seven bragging rights have something to do with my penis. That can’t be healthy.

Well, if you’ve got a ticket, don’t wait until the very last minute to pay it.

I have citation(s) for “failure to wear seat belt.” $25 fee? Pssh. Whateves.

Problem is that the ticket(s) have been sitting in my backseat for…oh, a month now. During a conversation with my mother about my ‘no seat belt policy,’ she asked if I ever got around to paying those tickets yet. “No,” I responded. “I have until the 28th.” “Well,” she said, “you do know that’s Tuesday, right?”

Oh shit.

So I log on to their website to pay my citations. That’s when I see it…

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUU!!!!!

I obviously didn’t have three business days. That ship had done sailed. I was going to have to go down to the court house and pay this in person. Way to procrastinate, asshole.

Going down to the court house is something that I didn’t want to do for two reasons:

1. I live in Northern Kentucky. Now while most of you probably have this image of Kentucky that involves farms with horses and incest marriages, you’re only half right. Kentucky, especially Northern Kentucky, has some really rough, ghetto areas. The main one being Covington, the city just across the river from Cincinnati — which is where I had to go.
   
   I’m sitting there in a room with crackheads, mothers with 5 crying babies, and 6’5 white dudes that are 120 lbs with shaved heads, homemade tattoos and a wardrobe that would be baggy even on Rick Ross. As a middle class white dude, this isn’t an ideal enviroment for me. I can’t even look around and judge people. I just stare at the floor trying to avoid eye contact.
   
   True story: As i’m leaving the parking lot of a federal building, this nasty old woman with meth face approaches me and asks if I’m headed towards Latonia. I’m unsure of what to do. Fact is I am heading towards Latonia, but I know that if I say yes, she’s asking for a ride. During my hesitation, she says “…I need a ride. I don’t have any money, but I can suck you off a little on the way.” No…sorry. I’m not headed towards Latonia.
   
   
2. In order to work at a court house, I’ve come to the conclusion that you have to be old as dirt and unqualified to work at Wal-Mart as a greeter. These women have no idea what to do.

What was supposed to be a quick errand turned into nearly three hours of hassle, frustration and sexual advances from meth heads.

TL;DR - Pay your damn tickets.

The Cinco de Mayo story is a tale that only a few have heard. In celebration of Cinco de Mayo, I suppose that it’s time to share with you what is one of my most infamous stories that took place on this very day. Now I’m going to warn you, this story is pretty explicit and contains a lot of poor decisions on my part. If you think of me in a positive way at all, DO NOT read this story. However, if you’re already aware that I’m kind of a douche, proceed.

Read More

Oh, so that’s how Gamefly makes their money.

Having been a Gamefly subscriber for over a year now, I’ve always wondered how in the hell they make money. Currently, I’m on their ‘2 games at a time, $24 a month’ plan and go through 3-4 games a month, usually. Considering that Gamefly has to buy those games for about $60 each (perhaps they get a deal to pay a little less) and I’m only paying $24, there’s a significant difference there. They’re clearly losing money in that scenario.

Just now I was going through some old mail on my computer desk and found this: an unopened game from Gamefly that has likely been sitting there for over a month. When you get dumbass subscribers like me that either slow down their usage or completely take a break from gaming (like me) and forget to cancel their accounts, that’s when they make their money.

As of right now, I have Dead Rising 2 and Vanquish in my possession via Gamefly. I’ve played maybe 10 minutes of Dead Rising 2, and, according to my Xbox stats, I’ve not played it since March 26th. Vanquish on the other hand hasn’t even been opened.

So, basically, I’ve paid $48 for 10 boring minutes of gameplay.

TL;DR - I really need to cancel my Gamefly subscription tomorrow.

I don’t recall whether it was 1995 or 1996, but it was around this time that I got my first Sony Walkman for Christmas. [History Lesson: Kids, a CD was this plastic disk that held 10-15 songs on them. A Portable CD Player was a 2-3 lb. device that played these CD’s on the go. Kind of like an iPod except you had to walk with it like it was a large pitcher filled with very hot water or else it would skip and scratch the disk. It was also mandatory to travel with a 5-6 lb. CD Book filled with different musical artists. Lesson over.]

Upon thinking about it, my CD collection was so bad that I figured I had to share. Odds are that many of you have similar horror stories.

First CD I Ever Owned: Jock Jams Volume 1

This isn’t so embarrassing, actually. I still love most of the songs from this album. “Whoomp! (There It Is)”, “Tootsie Roll”, “Hip Hop Hooray”, oh, and how could I forget “It Takes Two”? In fact, as soon as I publish this, I’m going to go download purchase this album for my iTunes.

Second CD I Ever Owned: Batman Forever Soundtrack

This was actually a pretty solid soundtrack. You had U2, Brandy, The Offspring, Method Man, and The Flaming Lips. But I’m not even going to try to fool you guys. I got this soundtrack for one reason and one reason alone: Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose.” In my defense, I wasn’t the only one who fell for this. 

Third CD I Ever Owned: Space Jam Soundtrack

I’m not embarrassed by this one in the slightest. This CD was amazing. Hell, it still is. This CD, a soundtrack for a children’s movie, had Coolio, Cypress Hill, LL Cool J, Busta Rhymes, Biz Markie, Salt-N-Pepa, “Basketball Jones” featuring Barry White and Chris Rock, and the man that oozes with kid soundtrack material: R Kelly.

It also had a rap song by Bugs Bunny, Daffey Duck and Elmer Fudd called “Buggin”…I don’t know that a better album has been released since, tbh.

Fourth CD I Ever Owned: Coolio - Gangster’s Paradise

Funny story: I asked my Dad for Coolio’s ‘Gangster’s Paradise’ and Alanis Morissette’s ‘Jagged Little Pill’ for Christmas back in 1995. My stepmother owned ‘Jagged Little Pill’ already and wasn’t sure if it was appropriate for me since it “talked about going down on a guy in a theater” — PSSH! Yeah, like I knew what going down on a dude meant back then. My mother told them that it was indeed inappropriate, so my Dad bought me that album from the cool rapper with the funny hair. I’ll never forget getting the present, opening it, putting it in the stereo in the living room and watching everyone’s eyes widen once the explicit lyrics started pouring out.

You weren’t a cool pre-teen in Northern Kentucky unless you liked Coolio. I was a cool kid.

Fifth CD I Ever Owned: Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill

I still couldn’t get my mother to buy this for me. Instead, I had to trade three Shaquille O’Neal cards, three Penny Hardaway cards, one Grant Hill card, and one Pog slammer to my buddy Chris down the road in exchange for this.

Everyone that was alive in the 90’s had this CD, right?