They added a pool to the dog park. Our dog has been doing this the entire damn time.

Before heading out to see the midnight showing of Hunger Games (le sigh), the girlfriend and I had some consensual relations. When I finished, I made direct eye contact and said “JENGA!”

LOLs were had. Well, LOLs were had by me. As for her, she just shook her head in disgust. Still though, I highly recommend every one of you trying it one day. 

…fuck.

My 20-year old, out of work, bipolar, irresponsible redneck wannabe brother announced tonight that he and the girl that he’s been seeing for 2 months are expecting a child in October.

This will be my first niece/nephew. You would think that I would be elated right now…perhaps even ecstatic…yet I’m the complete opposite of that right now.

Feel so bad for people that spend years of their lives trying to get pregnant only to have careless people like my brother just have it happen by accident. 

For the very first time in over nine years, today I went to work for a new employer. It felt weird. I kinda felt like I was cheating on my old employer.

• I didn’t get the chance to make many friends, but the one that I did make was an old black man. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this to happen. Day one, people! Day one at the new job and I already achieved this.
• My job requires me to ride a bike (through out the building!) several times a day. It’s a big, ginormous place and they’re aren’t that many people there, so a lot of times, when you need to get from Point A to Point B, the company has a plethora of bikes laying around for you to ride to your destinations. This was the highlight of my day.
• My boss’s name is Hans. I ran out of Die Hard references before lunch.
• First day and people were already complaining to management that I was getting unfair treatment. Guys can be every bit as gossipy and dramatic as women can be in the work place.
• The responsibilities of this job is really going to cut into my Tumblr/Reddit/XHamster times. I’m not a fan of this.

championmess:

after my presley appreciation post, joshua was acting all butthurt over it, so here is my valentine’s day appreciation post to him.  that man is the love of my life.  as mushy as that sounds, especially coming from somebody who swore would never ever utter those words, it is incredibly true.  

during all the hardships i have had the past couple months, he has been there for me.  hell he even let me move in with him!  (what a bad decision on his part).  anyways, blah blah blah i love him blah blah we are now going to have sex.  ok maybe not right now, but after has finished playing the goddamn mass effect demo.  

Hey. That’s me in my underwear.

(Source: kindoflikespitting)

I’m home sick today. What started off as a sore throat has quickly evolved into le tiredness, coughing (w/ gross stuff coming up), explosive diarrhea, runny nose, and overall achiness…so, yeah, I’m home today.

Here’s what’s on the agenda today:

I’m going to eat a lot of these…

I’m going to drink a shit ton of this…

I’m going to eat some of this…

I’m not moving from this…

…unless it’s to cuddle with this… (though she doesn’t look like she wants to be cuddled)

And I’m going to watch all of these back-to-back-to-back-to-back…

The end.

The deep conversation that my girlfriend and I are having at the moment.

Two weeks ago my girlfriends apartment was robbed. Afterwards, I invited her to stay with me since it was no longer safe there. She accepted. This was my very first experience with living with a girlfriend. The following are my observations…

• Girls love to hang their bra’s on door knobs. I don’t know what the deal is. Perhaps she’s trying to mark her territory…I don’t know.
• Whenever I get home and turn on my TV, it’s either on Lifetime or (more times than not) ABC Family. This takes me by surprise. “What the hell was I watching last night,” I’ll ask. Then I’ll remember that I’m not the only one there anymore and realize that it was probably my girlfriend watching Gilmore Girl reruns or Bring It On 32.
• My time spent watching sports, playing video games and watching old cartoons has dropped a good 80-90% in the last two weeks.
• She’s way better than me at You Don’t Know Jack.
• I’ve been forced pressured into trying new things. Some things are good (Tom & Chee, First Watch) others are not so good (Avocado’s)
• My girlfriend doesn’t know who Hacksaw Jim Duggan is, and that breaks my heart.
• Two weeks in and I’ve yet to see, hear or smell her goto the bathroom, thus my lifelong belief that girls dont poop is still intact.

My avocado-loving girlfriend made me try my first avocado the other night. I’ll be honest: I hated everything about it. The texture of it was like a banana, but once it got into your mouth it was mushy pudding. As for the taste, it tasted like a combination of a rotten green grape and Bigfoot’s dick.

As bad as that experience was, I’m willing to try it again. Anyone have any suggestions for how to make this go better?

championmess:

my baby girl on a walk with the boy a couple days ago.  

she must’ve sensed a squirrel.

I TOOK THIS PEEKTURE!

(Source: kindoflikespitting)